I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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