Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
