Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
