His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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