Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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