I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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