Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
