I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
