I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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