So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
