I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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