You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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