Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
