I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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