yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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