My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
