the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
