i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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