I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
