I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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