It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
