I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
