I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
