My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
