I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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