So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
