I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.