You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
not ubering you a puppy
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him