i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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