I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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