Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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