Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
