i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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