I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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