ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
