Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
