Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
