She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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