Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
