So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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