I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
