That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
