he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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