I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
