Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
