took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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