maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
