Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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