why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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