when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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