In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
