Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
