i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My liver just had a heart attack.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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