he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
