I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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