It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
