My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
