Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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