I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
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